How to Make Difficult Conversations Easy as a Humanitarian and International Development Leader

Are you delaying a difficult conversation because you're afraid it might make things worse?

If you’re a NGO leader, you already know that tough conversations—whether it’s with a struggling team member or your own supervisor—can feel like emotional landmines. But avoiding them might be costing you more than you realize.

In this episode you'll discover:

• What truly makes conversations feel “difficult” and how to shift that mindset
• How to frame tough discussions in a way that benefits everyone involved
• Hear real examples from the field that prove why having the conversation now can lead to a better outcome later

Listen now to learn how to turn difficult conversations into powerful leadership moments that build trust and resilience on your team.

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FULL TRANSCRIPT:

How to make a difficult conversation an easy one on today's episode.

Welcome to the Modern Humanitarian and Development Leader podcast. The podcast helping humanitarian and development supervisors make a greater impact by taking control of your time, leading more inclusively and empowering your team all the while avoiding stress. Burnout and overwhelm. I'm your host, leadership coach and former aid worker, Torrey peace. Are you ready? Let's get started.

Hello my aspiring modern humanitarian development leaders. I hope you're having a wonderful week. In this episode you're going to discover what makes a difficult conversation difficult. How to [00:01:00] make a difficult conversation an easy one, and examples of how you might use this with your team or supervisor.

So let's get into it, shall we? What makes a conversation difficult? So one thing to think about is when we are wanting to do a difficult conversation with someone, usually we're talking about a conversation where we are holding someone accountable for something. There is maybe a performance issue with a team member and we have to talk to them about it.

Or we have to tell them some kind of news that maybe isn't so good for them. For example, funding cuts. I'm sure many of you have had to have those types of conversations lately or perhaps a conversation around their performance or around, some kind of, [00:02:00] news that might be difficult for them to hear from our perspective. And the reason that a lot of us hesitate to have these types of conversations is because they're uncomfortable. They're not easy. We're afraid we're gonna make the situation worse. We're afraid we're going to completely fail. And the person might blow up and just go get us fired or do something horrible and really dislike us and whatever. So we're afraid of all these things and so we don't take action.

And yet, a lot of times when we procrastinate having a difficult conversation, it actually becomes even worse over time. And just to point out too, before we go on that, when we delay having a difficult conversation station, we [00:03:00] think that we're gonna be avoiding feeling uncomfortable, but actually we're going to feel uncomfortable delaying it as well. So we think that we're trying to delay in order to feel better or to avoid a certain emotion, but actually we're also feeling bad and the thing, whatever it is that we're delaying, is probably just going to get worse over time.

One thing to think about when we're having a difficult conversation, I think we tend to think about things from this perspective of, this is bad for the other person. That something about this they're not going to like, and therefore the conversation is difficult and it's bad.

And that is why I want you to think about how is it not bad for them? What's in it for them or how can you make it [00:04:00] beneficial for them? I think many times we are just focused on ourselves. We think we are thinking of the other person and their emotions and we're being considerate or we're being mindful of not wanting to upset them or whatever.

And I think I'll give you an example for this. So let's say that you wanna talk to your supervisor about lessening your workload. That you have too much going on, and that you want to take some of that off your plate and you want help with it from your supervisor. And it also means you might have to turn down some things that they want you to do, and you feel that this is going to be bad for them, right? Essentially, you're looking at it as this, that they're going to lose something, that they're gonna lose help, that maybe you will be seen as not very helpful or not a [00:05:00] team player, that you will be seen as somebody who is lazy or you know that, that you're adding more work back on their plate or whatever.

So when you are uncomfortable or feeling uncomfortable, it's because you're probably thinking something along those lines. That it may benefit you if you have less workload, but it won't benefit them. So you're thinking that it's selfish to have this conversation that it's only serving yourself. That your benefit will just be to have less work while they will be burdened with the consequence of the conversation.

So this is just one way of looking at the conversation and that's why it's so helpful once again to look at how can this benefit them. How can you lessening your [00:06:00] workload actually help them? How is it beneficial for them? For example, maybe it will help you to do higher quality work, which will make your supervisor look good, or maybe you can take greater responsibility for some things that they don't have time for.

If you have fewer tasks. Or maybe it will increase your motivation levels or you will avoid burnout and you'll get a lot more done. You'll be more productive. So how can you phrase this change that you are seeking in a way that they won't want to say no? That it will be an obvious yes for them. Like this will be so beneficial to them that they won't want to turn it down. Telling you that of course, you can lessen your [00:07:00] workload and then framing it in that way when you're communicating it to them will be very different from if you're coming from a place thinking this is going to hurt them, it's going to hurt their impression of me, it's going to add burden back on them. If you're thinking that way, the conversation, the way you will be feeling and the way you will communicate will be very different from if you are thinking something like "I'm going to make sure that this benefits me and it benefits them" and finding evidence for that. Because there is no one factual way of looking at that. This situation. There is no way to say that your supervisor, would not benefit from you having less work. It's just a matter of you finding those reasons [00:08:00] and then communicating

them and believing that. And if you really believed that, that that taking on less work would actually benefit not only you but them and you really articulated and communicated that to them, then you would feel. I imagine motivated, confident, inspired, and that energy will come across in your conversation and will also impact the way your supervisor interprets what you're saying.

So another example is maybe a difficult conversation you need to have with a team member. Maybe holding them accountable for not performing well, for example. So this can also be uncomfortable for the same reason that you are thinking that they're going to lose something, that they're going to maybe lose an opportunity or [00:09:00] they're going to maybe become demotivated if you have to put them on a performance plan or that this change won't help this other person. But what if it can benefit them as well? If not now, then maybe in the long run, how might it benefit them? And I'll give you an example of this. And when I was working as a manager, I had to at one point have a very difficult conversation.

I think most people would label it difficult because I basically had to dismiss someone who had been part of the team for a very, very long time. But it was at the point where there was no return, there was nothing that really could be done. And I went into that conversation thinking that, although right now this is painful for both of us, [00:10:00] in the future, in the maybe immediate future, maybe in the midterm future, it will actually be more beneficial for this person because they will be able to seek out a role that better suits them, where they can thrive. And they knew they were not doing well, so they weren't motivated, they were miserable, and so in a sense, by giving them this push, I was helping them leave the nest, let's say, and be able to find something better. And that actually is exactly what happened. They came back maybe a month or two later, and they told me that it was one of the best things that had ever happened to them because they were able to start their own business and the business was thriving. And they just had not had the courage before then to do it.

So we tend to think of some things like difficult conversations as [00:11:00] all bad outcomes. But sometimes these things can actually benefit and we don't know, like we talked about before, we don't know where we are in the story. We don't know what the end will be, and sometimes the end or the eventual outcome can be even better for both parties, and that's only if we have the conversation.

So when going into a difficult conversation let's say another example right now, some of you might be having conversations about, you know, the funding cuts, and maybe you have to have difficult conversations with your team around that. And, same thing. Maybe right now this is a very difficult thing and I, I think most people would agree on that,

but how might they benefit e eventually? Maybe they will find something even better for them, or maybe [00:12:00] they will be inspired to start their own business like this other person did. Or maybe they will go back to school and end up doing something better. So, although it's temporarily painful, in the sense that they might be temporarily losing their income or whatever, we can look at this at the sense of, you know, how can I make sure that this is as beneficial for both of us as possible? And the way you might do that, in this particular situation might be by being very transparent with them, by helping them find resources or other opportunities, by encouraging them and really helping them find what they need in order to move forward. So when we are going [00:13:00] into a difficult conversation, exploring how the outcome or what we want or what needs to happen may need help the other person will help you frame the conversation differently and feel much differently about it.

And I'm not saying that having a conversation where you are having to let someone go, and especially if it's not performance related, should be easy or light. Or should necessarily immediately benefit them. But I think it's helpful to think about how in the long run, if we didn't take action now, how in the long run right now, if we do, it will be better for all of us.

And when we have that idea of how this will be better for them or how can it be better for them if we make this change, or if they make the change [00:14:00] or if this thing happens? And how they might benefit from this difficult conversation that you have to have with them. If you keep that in mind, going into the conversation, you will feel more motivated, more confident in having that conversation, which once again will impact the way that you have it. Because that is another key when we are having difficult conversations, getting to a feeling that will help us have a more impactful conversation. So in my course "becoming the modern humanitarian development leader", I actually have a step-by-step tool that helps leaders prepare or go through a process in order to be prepared emotionally to have a difficult conversation because it [00:15:00] is so important in the way that we show up based on our emotion. We don't wanna be in a really negative place or a really uncomfortable place when we're having these conversations.

We wanna be, if we can, in either a neutral place or a more positive place because it will impact what we say and the way we show up. So is there a conversation that you are delaying having because you feel uncomfortable about having it? And how can you make the outcome of that conversation a win for you and for the other person?

Alright, try it out and let me know. Until next week, keep evolving. Bye for now.

Are you the type of leader that tells others what to do or to let them figure it out for themselves? Understanding your leadership style is a first step to deciding [00:16:00] what's working for you and what's not. To find out your leadership style, take my free quiz. What is your leadership style? You'll immediately find out your default style, how it may be impacting your team, and a few practical ways to become an even better leader.

Just click on the link in the show notes, www.aidforaidworkers.com/quiz. Fill out your quiz and click submit. So what are you waiting for? Go to www.aidforaidworkers.com/quiz and discover your leadership style now. Your team will Thank you for it.